Since i've updated my journal.

Yikes! It's the 17th of the month already... Halloween is near.

Was once my favorite holiday of the year.

I'm glad those dreary depressed days are over, I'm much happier these days.

Photography makes me really happy.

Hello?

I've never felt so tested in life as I do right now.

The things that have all just happened to me in the past few weeks have caused a big change in my life and in my thoughts.

At first I didn't think I could be strong enough to deal with any of it, but I haven't come this far just to keep digging myself into a hole.

There are always ups and downs... it's the ebb and the flow of the universe.

The way.

Feng shui.

Black & white.

Hot & cold.

Love & hate.

It's all the same, for nothing would exist with out it's opposite.

and HEY, Bf.. you know who you are.

You are my one, my only bf.

Things aren't the same without ya.

I was looking at old pictures, laughing at old memories.

So many great ones we've made this year alone.

Can you believe it's been a year since we saw "Across the Universe?"

I've always felt really connected to you.

I just know that I want your friendship in my life at all times. lol.

You're a really good friend to have.

You treat the ones close and dear to you really well.

I feel safe with you.

You would make a super great husband to someone some day... (if you ever end up getting married)

I don't like to share my feelings very often, because i'm a TURTLE.

Damn, why'd I get stuck with the TURTLE, why can't I be a dolphin or an elephant, or a butterfly, or something???

So anyway,

I feel really lucky to be able to connect with someone in this whole wide world, like I can with you.

Like i've always said, nah jk i think i've said enough about you.

Back to me.

It's time for me to grow up.

I thought I was grown up because i've lived on my own for the past 3 years.

Maybe this is why I still look like a little kid??

My older brother, he's 30, he hasn't grown up yet.. and he looks like he's 10 years younger than he is.

I'm 24, I think I need to be more "put together" at this age.

I'm kind of broken, in lots of itty bitty pieces.

When I put myself back together, I'll be stronger than I ever was before.

After this week of tests and trials of life, I think I am stronger.

It's like shit, what's next?

After this week, I feel pretty confident about my strenghts.

To be able to pull together in times of a crisis.. or crisises, in my case (lol) is tough, but you do what you gotta do.

I've also realized that the problems I have are so family related!!!

I think we all have anxiety, we're all turles with our feelings, we like to drink because our inhibitions are too high to begin with, so we need just a little bit of alcohol to OPEN us up just a little bit. This not only relates to my immediate family, but my whole family, and i've got a HUGE family. My mother had 7 brothers and sisters... and this is not including my dad and his other families!!!
Yikes.
It's just funny how much these people you feel you have no other connection with besides blood, are actually a lot like you and eachother.

Ya, I think i'm done for now.

This past friday, I learned a lot of things.

I learned that I've made some really big mistakes.

I just realized just how unhappy I really am.

Funny thing is, I've always been a happy person.
One thing people have always said to me is that i'm always smiling, and it's true, always has been, until lately....

I made this move thinking it would make me happy.

In fact, I'm not happy!!!

I NEED A LIFE!!!

I get so sick to my stomach thinking about the point i'm at in my life.

It's going to take a lot of work to get to where I would like to be. Especialliy since i've dug myself into a huge hole.

I realized that I relied on my best friend to make me happy these past couple of months, because without him I found I was pretty miserable. Hanging out with him was just an escape from the reality of my everyday life.
I didn't have to deal with any of my problems because when I was with him, nothing else existed. No worry about the outside world because we have such a good times, best times ever.

I realized that i'm unhealthy and that i'm probably not the best influence. I'm a slacker, a procrastinator.

I've got great intentions, but I lack the self control.

I can be strong when I need to, but since friday, things have been different.

I think friday changed my life.

I don't think i've ever felt so down and depressed in my entire life.

I also think this weekend was a test... beccause that many things can't go wrong in 1 weekend.

Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday have been thee longest days of my life.

Phew! Can I take a deep breath now?

I got lost these past 2 months, really lost.

I know what I want do now, just don't know how to achieve it.

My ex bf is afucking ass!!! Always WAS!!! Sorry, just had to throw that out for a good laugh.
I hope he never messages me again... if only his new gf knew how he really is...

So one of my "friends" a girl who I RARELY talk to these days likes to gossip and is a drama queen apparently likes to gossip about me with my ex... WHO DOES THAT!!! You don't talk to a friends ex about who they're seeing or anything at all! I guess I won't be talking to her anymore, or him.

Right now, I'm just really lonely.

I've always had plenty of friends, so right now, it feels like I don't have any.

Jenn, she's my sister. I hate her and I love her. She'll be part of my life forever. Her and I go way deeper than friends, so it's almost like she doesn't even count as a friend.

Obviously I don't have many friends if i'm sitting here journaling it.

Soooo..
my phone is about to die, I left charger at my moms house and now i'm in butt fuck egypt.

My dad pisses me off, my mom pisses me off.

I hate everyone.

I feel so alone.

I just need a friend right now.

I wish someone could rescue me from me.

hahhaah.

I had a really, really depressing weekend.
It was fun.. but I came back home on monday with this awful depressed feeling still lingering.

I figured if I just do things for myself that I might feel better.

It's difficult to get started when you have no motivation, when you feel this awful weight upon your shoulders for everything in your life is a fucking mess and you just don't know where to begin!!!

So I began to clean, to organize, to make my room feel like home.. to make it a place where I belong. A place where I can be at ease. A place that is me.

I have this big problem where I don't finish anything that I start. It's my resolution every year. FINISH WHAT YOU START!!! I've got plenty of ideas and good intentions, I just don't seek anything through until the end. This applies to everything in my life, even food, i can never even finish a meal!!!

After I had washed/dusted/organised everything, I was actually starting to feel so much better! And now that, that's all cleared up I can now focus on other things, like looking for a job.

I was once a very organised person and I hope to be that person again.

I really liked who I was 2 years ago. I looked better, I was way skinnier, I was organised, I was going to school and working, I had my shit together. I know I can do it again.

I'm just over drinking... really over it.
Every time I drink a beer, I regret it.
Why go to the gym if i'm going to sit around and drink beer most of time, it's pointless!

I'm gonna do what I know best, and that's school. My whole life I was pretty much a straight A student. It's easy to me, and I like to learn new things. I like to excercise my brain as well as my body. I just want to be in the top shape that I can be all around.

and another lesson I learned this week is that I really, really have to be strong. I can't be taking shit from anyone. I know i'm cool and really laid back but that doesn't mean that i'm going to let people (especially men disrespect that)
I'm learning all these things myself, my mom didn't teach me shit about anything I need to know about REAL LIFE. and my dad, he was never around, nor did I want him to be. Now is a different story, I actually do have a relationship with my dad now and we talk almost everyday.

I just can't be pushed over anymore, I have to stand my ground.

The thing that sucks is that at the time, I don't care, but afterwards, i'm like HEY! That man shouldn't have talked to me that way, that was super disrespectful, and later, is too late to say anything. I just like to think I can trust the world. I like to think everyone is just as honest as I am, but that's hardly the truth.

I've learned a lot lately.

I learn a lot all of the time.

Everyday, I try to make an improvement in my self or my surroundings.

Everyday, I better.

Everyday, I am stronger.

I have been a really shitty friend to some people lately.

I lag, I don't write back, I don't call, and I don't write.

I would have some really great people in my life right now... if I let them.

I'm working on becoming a better me first, then I can become a better friend, a better sister, a better daughter, a better aunt. lol.

BETTER, BETTER, BETTER.

Everyday.

This past week has been rough, really rough.

Bad news everywhere.

Everyday I've felt hopeless, everyday has felt like such a dddrrraaggg.

Haven't had a good nights sleep in days, and have had horrible dreams.

My body is sore from all the moving. I'm moving my self and helping the others move too.

My last living grandfather is dying and I don't have the money to fly over to Mexico to see him. I guess my dreams of taking pictures of him are over before they started. He's 98 years old, and quite handsome and charming. I hoped to document him by taking photographs of him soon. My dad and aunt are flying there right now. Poor gramps had a cardiac arrest. I'm just waiting on a phone call from my dad to let me know how things are going.

I love my Marley now more than ever and i'm going to miss him dearly.

My highlight however is that my new room is finally put together. I'm so happy with it. After 2 months of hopping around from one place to other, I finally have finished unpacking my room and it's beautiful, it's ME. All ME. All mine... and I can have whoever I want over. Like a certain someone who wasn't allowed at my old place, can come over now! That calls for a celebration.

Saturday is NOCTURNAL, my first time, i'm sooo excited.

and as for tonight... RATATAT!!!!

What helps me when I don't have motivation is looking ahead at the good things to come.

Now that i've got my living situation cleared out of the way, I can focus on the next big thing which is my license.

I'm so glad this hopeless, homesick, depressed feeling has gone away.

Oh yeah and I need a job now, just a small little part time job, so I could go to school part time as well.

I wish I could just go to school full time, fuck work. I need to catch up on everything I haven't learned at school in the past 2 years.

My vacation is over, i'm over it.

In these past few days i've been able to some self reflecting.

I have some good stuff, that's in my other journal because I did'nt have internet acess at the time.
So i'm going to have to post later.